Alien on a Rampage Page 8

But nothing happened, except that Scratchull gave me one last shake before releasing me. “Your presence is required downstairs.”

  “Huh?” I cracked one eye open. Scratchull towered over my bed, arms crossed over his chest. It didn’t look like he was in attack mode.

  I woke up a little more and remembered him on the roof in the middle of the night. So what was he doing here now? “Don’t you ever sleep?”

  Scratchull scoffed. “No being of true intelligence sleeps. Shedding that useless habit is the first baby step to cognitive evolution.” He made a dismissive gesture toward my bed. “You humans have the life span of a sick fruit fly, and then choose to spend a third of that precious little time in a comatose state.”

  “I don’t want you in my room,” I said. I pushed myself farther up in bed and flipped on the lamp. The light made me squint. “Get out of here.”

  “Oh, I don’t require an invitation for leaving. The smell alone would be incentive enough.” Scratchull took a step backward and threw the door open wide. “But duty calls me to inform you that your grandmother needs your help. Urgently.”

  I tried to fight through the haze of sleep deprivation to make sense of all of this. “Why should I trust you?” I said.

  “This is no time for petty grievances.” The white alien gestured to the open door. “There is an emergency. Your presence is needed downstairs immediately.”

  “What?” I kicked off a tangle of blankets and reached for a pair of sweats on the floor, my body working faster than my brain. “Is—is everything okay?”

  “It might be if you manage to make it down there in time. Your expertise is required out front. Quickly.”

  When I stood up to pull my sweats on I saw that Snarffle was at the alien’s heels, his mouth clamped onto the bottom of those dark coveralls. A low, whistling growl came from deep in his chest, and he shook his head back and forth, just waiting for my signal to eat the coverall pants right off the white alien’s legs.

  “Come here, boy.” I knelt down and snapped my fingers at the floor. “Come on. Let go.”

  “There is no time for that.” Scratchull waved me away. “You are needed at the front door. An important job awaits you. I will watch the beast until your return.”

  Something about that offer didn’t sound quite right, but my mind was still foggy after such a restless night. Plus, I was more concerned with finally having an important job around here again. I took a few steps toward the door, grabbed the knob, then turned to face Scratchull. “What’s going on down there?”

  “A pair of off-world guests is leaving the premises, but they have not been through the proper procedures. Their arrival went unnoticed by the rest of the human staff.” Scratchull motioned toward the door and down the hallway, making a shooing gesture.

  “Wait. Why are you the one telling me this?”

  Scratchull sighed heavily. “I admit that I remain highly skeptical of your abilities. But your grandmother and the head of security are away presently, leaving you as the only human who can keep two uninitiated extraterrestrial visitors from strolling into the Earth village. As an employee I have a vested interest in keeping this place safe from outside scrutiny.”

  I dashed out of the room and took the stairs two at a time. Finally, a real job. My specialty last summer had been GRADE assignments. I would meet the aliens as they stepped out of the transporter, welcome them to our planet, and make sure they looked passable for their vacation. Usually they needed some help to perfect that earthling look—a fake beard to cover up some purple scales or an extra mouth, or maybe a reminder that we button our shirts down the front instead of the back, that kind of thing.

  I reached the bottom of the staircase and found the sitting room completely empty. And I realized that I hadn’t seen anyone in the halls. That was a little weird for this time of day. But it didn’t totally register since I was more worried about the fact that it looked like the uninspected aliens had already left.

  I lunged toward the door and pulled it open. There! A couple of Tourists walking down the steps of the front porch. Phew. I was just barely in time.

  “Just a moment, please,” I called. I trotted down the stairs past them and turned at the bottom of the steps. I was now blocking their way down the path that led to the road, but in what I hoped would be seen as a casual, nonthreatening manner. “Hi, folks. Welcome to Earth!” I was proud of how easily I slipped back into customer service mode. Friendly and composed but definitely in control of the situation.

  “Ummm…okay,” the male said.

  These two looked a little wary of me. Sometimes new visitors were like that at first, which is understandable after traveling millions of light-years for a weekend getaway. You never know—maybe it was their first time doing any sort of off-world travel at all. As an experienced GRADE consultant, it was my job to make them feel comfortable while I did my inspection. I gave them a big smile and served up some friendly small talk. “We’re so glad you could visit with us. I hope you find our planet’s weather patterns to be, you know, suitable to your needs. It’s actually supposed to get pretty warm here today.”

  The male and female looked at each other and raised their eyebrows, then glanced back at me. They didn’t say anything, so I tried to lighten the mood. “Yep, supposed to get pretty warm. Although,” I gestured at the sky, “we do just have the one sun around here.” I rolled my eyes and made a Can-you-believe-this-planet? face.

  The couple looked at each other again, then up at the space decorations all over Grandma’s place, and then back at me. Still didn’t say anything, though. Oh, well. Better get right down to business, then. Some alien guests wanted to skip the small talk and get started on their vacation. Time to inspect their disguises.

  I cupped my chin in one hand and tilted my head, sizing them up. They must have studied the Vacation on Earth brochure very closely back on their home planet, because they looked pretty realistic. Sometimes GRADE jobs were easy like that.

  But after getting so much on-the-job experience last summer, I had learned to notice the small details that might get them detected. The male alien had a big, round torso underneath his Hawaiian-style shirt, but really skinny legs poking out of his shorts. He looked way out of proportion, a common telltale sign of extraterrestrial origin. I took a step forward and poked at his soft midsection. “Are you sure you’re not hiding any extra limbs under there, sir? If so, you better keep that shirt buttoned up tight. We wouldn’t want a third arm to pop out and scare the people of Earth.” That had actually happened during my very first GRADE job last summer.

  “What?” He stepped backward and nearly tripped on the stair behind him.

  I turned my attention to the female. “You look great, ma’am. Although your wig is sitting a little bit lopsided, and the women on this planet try not to get the lipstick on their teeth.” I pointed helpfully at her mouth.

  The female’s eyes went wide. She made a face like a fish trying to breathe on dry land.

  The male patted her on the arm and pulled her away from me. “There, there, dear. I’m sure there must be an explanation for—”

  “I’ve never been so insulted!” the female finally spluttered. “What kind of an establishment is this, anyway?”

  Tate burst out of the front door. “Boy, what in the Sam Hill are you doing?” He stood at the top of the steps, arms crossed over his belly, glaring down at me.

  What was he so mad about? “I was just…I was trying to help.” I gestured weakly to the Tourists. “They haven’t been GRADEd yet. I thought that…”

  Tate jerked his head at the couple and glared even harder at me. Clearly he was trying to send me a message, but I had no idea what it might be.

  Grandma glided out of the front door then, followed by Amy. Grandma walked halfway down the steps and put her hand on the male guest’s shoulder. “I’m so terribly sorry if there was any confusion, sir. Why don’t we—”

  “We’re leaving. Now.” The male brushed off Grandma’s hand, p
ut his arm around the female, and marched down the steps and along the walkway to the front gate. Amy’s eyes went wide and she glanced from the couple to me and back again.

  Grandma moved to follow them down the front path, but Tate stopped her.

  “Just let ’em go,” he said softly. “The damage has been done. You’d only make it worse.”

  Grandma sighed. We all watched the couple climb into a red convertible. The female grabbed the rearview mirror and grimaced, rubbing furiously at her teeth with her index finger. The male fired up the engine and the car took off.

  “Wait…They drove here?” I said.

  Tate scoffed. “He still doesn’t get it.”

  Grandma wrung her hands and avoided eye contact. “David…even though I always tell anyone who calls for a reservation that all of our rooms are filled up…occasionally people just stop by out of curiosity….”

  Oh, no. No, no, no.

  “You mean…those were humans?”

  Grandma nodded.

  Amy started to laugh, then clapped her hand over her mouth. She saw me watching her and tried to compose herself. “Oh, David. I’m sorry,” she said. “That must have been…awkward for you.”

  “Awkward for him? What about that couple?” said Tate. “They stop by a little roadside inn on a Sunday drive, and David welcomes ’em to the planet with some advice on how to dress up like earthlings.” Tate made a show of craning his neck to look down the road. “We should look on the bright side, though. He did a bang-up job.” Tate nudged his daughter with his elbow. “I don’t think anyone in Forest Grove will suspect a thing.”

  A choked laugh escaped from behind Amy’s hand. Then another. Tate joined her, just a little at first, but pretty soon his jowls were shaking as he chuckled and pointed at me. Grandma put up a good fight to keep a straight face, but after a few moments she couldn’t resist laughing along with them.

  I tried to smile so I didn’t look like a total jerk, but there’s no worse feeling than being laughed at. Especially when you deserve it.

  They went on and on. I turned my head away, silently willing my face to stop getting so hot, when a flicker of movement caught my eye. There, in my bedroom window on the second floor, was Scratchull, filling up the frame. His purple lips were stretched into a hideous grin. He gave me a little wave with his chalk-white hand, grotesquely mimicking the dainty movements of a parade princess acknowledging the crowd.

  I looked away. My embarrassment turned to anger. I considered telling them about Scratchull setting me up, but quickly decided against it. I was already the boy who cried space-wolf after the misunderstanding with the flying nail gun. I would have to settle this between the white alien and me.

  Finally the guffaws from Grandma, Amy, and Tate quieted down to giggles and died out. After a few hiccupy relapses, they all dried their eyes and composed themselves.

  “Now, even though we’re laughing, this is really no laughing matter,” Tate said. “You’re gonna need to be a lot more careful around here this summer. I had a perfectly good Code Green going there, and you blundered right into the middle of it.”

  “Code Green?”

  “Evasive tactics, boy, like I been telling ya.” Tate lumbered down the steps to stand in front of me.

  “Come on, Dad.” Amy followed Tate down the steps. “David hasn’t been here all year. You can’t expect him to know all of your new rules.”

  “When a human couple shows up unexpected-like, I sound the alarm for a Code Green.” Tate jabbed a thick finger at the house for emphasis. “All of the Tourists return to their rooms and shut the doors. Your grandma greets the humans, apologizes for not having any vacant rooms, and excuses herself to the kitchen. The humans mill around for a couple of minutes, get bored, and then leave, none the wiser.” Tate shook his head and spat on the lawn. “No telling what that couple will be thinking now. Or what they might say to other folks.”

  “Now, Tate, there’s no reason to worry,” Grandma said. “There was no real harm done.”

  “Yeah,” Amy said. “That couple will just think that the kooky folks up at the Intergalactic place were taking themselves a little too seriously.”

  “And great galaxies, I can hardly remember your rainbow of code situations, and I live here full-time,” Grandma said. “Let’s see, Code Blue is for when an off-world guest doesn’t return at the appointed time in the evening, and I think Code Red is when—”

  “It’s okay, Grandma. I know you’re trying to make me feel better. But Tate’s right. I should’ve been more careful.” I was learning there were lots of things I would have to be careful about from now on.

  Tate checked his watch. “All right, then. If we sit around all morning we won’t be any better than those lollygagging aliens,” he said. “Time to get to work.”

  “I’m off to perfect my recipe for the baking contest,” Grandma said. “Now, I know that David has been looking for a job.” She looked at Amy. “Maybe he could help you out with—”

  “I got a job for him,” Tate said. “This place needs a good disinfecting.”

  “Now, wait just one minute,” Grandma said. “I always—”

  “I know, I know.” Tate held up his hand to stop her. “You wash the linens and mop the floors and keep everything shipshape and spic-and-span.”

  Grandma arched her eyebrows and gave him a look. “So what are you saying?”

  “I know you don’t believe me about alien germs and microbes and whatnot, but I think we’d be better off safe than sorry.” Tate gestured at me. “Come on, boy. I picked up some industrial-strength cleaner. You can give the floors and walls a proper scrub-down.”

  Grandma looked at me, a question in her eyes. I knew she would let me get out of it if I tried.

  But having a job that I could do alone sounded pretty good. It was going to take a while before the sting of my humiliation wore off. And besides, I needed some time alone to plot out my next move concerning Scratchull. “Sure, I can help you out.”

  Grandma smiled, and her tone was a little too bright when she spoke. “Okay, everybody. Let’s have a wonderful day!” She walked into the bed-and-breakfast.

  Tate gestured toward the door. “I’ll get you the supplies, boy. You can start on the bottom floor and work your way up.”

  He walked into the house, but I hung back when Amy pulled on my sleeve. “I’ll be right there,” I called after him. Then I turned to Amy. “What’s up?”

  “I have something I want to show you,” she whispered. “Stay right there.” She ducked into the house and quickly returned with an overflowing double armful of books and magazines.

  “What’s all that?”

  “I got these at the library.” She gestured at individual books with her chin as she spoke. “This one’s about how the major religions of Earth focus on peace and harmony among all people…That one explains how all of the annual charitable contributions in this country dwarf the defense budget…and this is about the green movement and the rise of environmentally conscious jobs…”

  A book tumbled off the pile and fell on the porch. I stooped to pick it up. “Ten Steps to an Earth-Friendly Existence?”

  “Aren’t they great?” Amy lowered her voice again and gave me a conspiratorial wink. “I think they’re really going to help, don’t you?”

  “Help with what?”

  Amy gave me a funny look. “What do you think? I’m going to leave them lying around in places where Scratchull will come across them.”

  I must have made a face, because she was quick to add, “The bad news gets all the headlines, but when he reads stuff like this he’ll know it’s time for Earth to finally be invited to join the Collective. I was thinking I’d leave some of them by the seat where he usually eats his meals, and a couple in the bathroom in his hallway, and maybe a few out in the sheds where he likes to tinker with machinery. What do you think?”

  What could I say? Her face got so animated when she was excited about something. I couldn’t just shoot he
r down entirely. Especially when I didn’t have any proof that Scratchull was up to something worse than the prank he had just pulled on me.

  I set the book back on top of Amy’s pile. “I think that if I had to pick anyone to speak up for the Earth, it would be you,” I said truthfully.

  “Thanks, David.” She beamed. “Hey, do you want to hang out tonight? I don’t have any activities. We could take a hike by the river—there’s something I’ve been wanting to show you out there since last summer.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Great. Okay, wish me luck. I’m off to place these books in strategic positions.” She dashed through the door.

  I sighed and looked back up at my bedroom window, but it was empty and dark. I wasn’t sure which was worse—seeing that creepy alien’s gruesome face as he mocked me, or not knowing exactly where he was or what he was doing. And if he even tried to lay one of those pale fingers on Snarffle…

  I marched up the front steps. If Scratchull was actually going to be performing surveillance on the Earth, then maybe it was time somebody started keeping better tabs on him.

  I spent the day either hunched over on all fours or balancing on a stepladder, scrubbing the floors and walls. I’m not sure I eliminated any dangerous outer-space bacteria, but I had to admit the place at least looked better.

  Snarffle hung out with me, tethered to his new leash, as I made my way from room to room. I considered fixing brushes to his feet and letting him race up and down the walls, but with my luck today, that would turn into some unforeseen disaster. Plus, Tate would probably think he was spreading more harmful alien germs than he was cleaning up.

  Still, it was nice to have the little guy around for company. He never laughed at me. And as long as I fed him every couple of hours he didn’t spaz out too bad.

  At about five o’clock I decided to call it a day. I headed for the bathroom to take a shower before my hike with Amy. I figured since I was a total dork in front of her this morning and she was a way better employee than I would ever be, the least I could do is smell good.